I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
