Cold hands, warm shart.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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