she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
