I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
