we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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