I accidentally had phone sex last night
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
