I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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