I should be sponsored by Trojan
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
