i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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