Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
