Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
