hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
