I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Randomize
