tell your sister to shave her snatch
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
