6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
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