Jerry, you need to find god
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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