I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
We talked him into tasing himself.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
