i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
