somebody snuck up and got me drunk
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
