as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Randomize
