I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
