From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
