Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
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