We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
