things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
