My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Life is so much better after having sex.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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