life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
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