She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
