: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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