Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
