yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
