He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
