What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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