Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
