Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
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