my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Let's get the cat blown out
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
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