So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
