Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
