Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
