mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
