apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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