I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
