Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
