Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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