yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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