Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
