you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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