"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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