If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Randomize
