i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
